Naruto Characters Say the Darndest Things
by XxpwnagexX
Summary: Sort of spoof of Kids Say the Darndest Things. Just some funny drabbles of things Naruto characters do and say. R&R please! No flaming. Rated just to be safe.
1. What REALLY happened in the bathroom

**A/N: This is my first Naruto fanfiction. So please go easy on me…**

**Before anyone says ANYTHING, the humor in here for once isn't forced. It's based off of stuff that happened to me, such as conversations, also off of any roleplays, and maybe even stuff like the Simpsons… because when I'm not trying right on the spot to make up stuff it turns out funny….**

**So today's chapter's feature is based off of: A conversation I had with some people about where we have cable outlets.**

**And these are just short little drabbles….**

**And I'm aware that the characters are OOC. Always. And I'm not changing it.**

**No flames please!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto owns it, and this fanfiction is simply out of pure boredom and nothing else.**

**So enjoy drabble 1!**

_Chapter 1: What REALLY happened in Elvis's bathroom (or is it? Probably not.)_

So here's what's happening so far: Team 7's discussing the disadvantages of having a cable outlet in a bathroom.

"Who has a cable outlet in their bathroom!" Naruto stated.

"I do." Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi replied in unison.

"What on earth would you do with a cable outlet? Watch TV!" he questioned, obviously curious to why someone would need a cable outlet in their bathroom.

"Sure. Why not?" Kakashi said, like it was as normal as breathing.

"Do you know you could like die of electric shock? How do you think Elvis died?"

"He had a heart attack in the middle of taking a crap, idiot." Sasuke stated.

"No you baka! He got an electric shock 'cause he was watching TV in his bathroom!" Naruto defended is idea that someone could get an electric shock simply for watching TV while taking a crap.

Sasuke got up and walked up. "Teme…" he muttered under his breath. He then went to the local library to find proof that he was obviously right and Naruto was wrong.


	2. Comebacks

**A/N: Awesome. A review. I'm so happy! So anyways….**

**Today's chapter is based off of: Comebacks!**

**And the characters are yet still…. OOC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto…. and never will.**

**Enjoy Chapter 2!**

_Chapter 2: Comebacks, etc._

So right now here's what's happening: Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji are just hanging out. And then an argument starts.

Shikamaru noticed Chouji eating really really fast. So he just had the urge to say something. "Chouji you're so fat…"

"And you're so lazy!" Chouji replied.

"Well when you step on the scale it says 'to be continued'!" Shikamaru said.

"You're too lazy to even step on the scale!"

"You can't step on it 'cause it breaks every time you do."

"It's a wonder you're living because you're so lazy you consider breathing as hard work!"

And then Ino was annoyed with the two boys' bickering and decided to interfere.

"And you're both stupid!" she said, trying to solve the argument. But then she just made it worse.

"Whatever you insist, pork-head." Shikamaru lazily stated.

"You _actually_ stopped being lazy enough to think of an insult. Wow, I'm impressed!" The bleach blonde said sarcastically.

And so the argument continued like that… for hours to come. Until Azuma-sensei (is that his name? I forgot.) tried to stop the argument, but then it turned out that it was just the trio of kids against Azuma…

**A/N: Wow, that was way longer than the first one! Yeah…. I don't think it's as funny, though. But hey, at least I tried! Anyways, I hoped you enjoyed it. Please R&R! I won't continue until I get 4 more reviews!**

**That's all for now!**


	3. Man, ostriches are pretty stupid!

**A/N: Awesome! Two new reviews. Ahh… the ever-growing fan base. I'm so happy! And I keep on remembering new funny stuff. It just keeps getting better and better. **

**Today's chapter is based off of: A conversation I had about the fact that ostriches have really tiny brains. (It's true, you know.)**

**I'm pretty sure that there aren't ketchup packets in the Naruto world, let alone ketchup, but I'm the writer (of this story) and what I say goes. Mkay. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and this fanfic isn't affiliated with it in any way, etc., etc., etc.**

**So anyways, enjoy chapter 3! (Yeah that's right, THREE. Ha.)**

_Chapter 3: Ostriches have really small brains…_

Here's what's happening: Gai's team is eating lunch when Rock Lee discovered a new fact on a ketchup packet.

"Hey guys! Hey guys! Hey guys!" Rock Lee said repeatedly until his comrades decided to –gasp- actually pay attention.

"What?" Tenten questioned.

"I just learned something new!" he replied.

"Ahh, the passionate flame of youth has yet discovered a new fact!" Gai said, as if it was an amazing new discovery that could cure a deadly disease with no cure, or solve one of the world's problems, etc.

Neji just sighed as he listened to his instructor keep yapping about youth. _"I just wish he'd shut up!"_ he thought.

"So what's the fact?" Rock Lee's beloved sensei asked, eager to discover the seemingly amazing fact that his student has just found out.

"An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain!" he said, anxious to find out his teacher's and teammates' reactions.

"No duh." Neji said, as if it was absolutely nothing but a mere waste of his time.

"Holy crap! No wonder they're so stupid!" the female of the group exclaimed, like it was something amazing. (Which it is if you really think about it.)

"It's a wonder it knows how to eat!" she continued.

"It's a wonder it knows how to **_breathe_**!" the quartet's leader added on.

"No wonder they're almost extinct! They're so stupid!" Tenten said.

And their conversation continued like that.

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it. I think it's better than the last two; it's slightly longer and funnier. So anyways…. look forward to the 4th chapter coming out soon! Yay for weekends. Please R&R.**

**That's all for now.**


	4. The Hairy Hooligans Club!

**A/N: Cool! Several new reviews! And I _actually_ got added into a C2! That's really an accomplishment for me. I'd like to thank everyone that reads this story and bothers to leave a review…. 'cause that's what I like. (:**

**Oh, and I realize I spelt 'Asuma' wrong. Remember, I wasn't sure! **

**And still, the characters are OOC.**

**This chapter is based off of: Sheer randomness.**

**Disclaimer: You know it. This fanfic isn't affiliated with Naruto in any way, and I won't ever own Naruto and/or its characters. Ever. I promise. **

**So enjoy chapter 4! (Wow, this story's progressing quickly...)**

_Chapter 4: The Hairy Hooligans Club!_

Here's what's happening so far: Naruto's mad 'cause there's like barely any equipment at the park closest to his house and all the other parks have tons of stuff. So he starts a petition.

Team 7 was at their usual meeting area, that bridge. (At least that's what I think it is.) Suddenly, as the trio was waiting for their constantly late teacher, Naruto broke the serene silence. "Man, we have like no playground stuff at our park. We don't even have a swing set!" he said, obviously mad that there wasn't a device that could lift him up and down alternately with foot power.

"Hn. Well then shut up and do something about it," the ebony-haired boy said.

"Well fine then! I'll show you! I'll make a petition and I'll get the whole village to sign it and you'll be jealous because you could never make such a successful petition!" the blonde said.

Sakura was furious that Naruto was like, totally trash-talking Sasuke. She had to say something! "Naruto! You know Sasuke could make a way better petition and he would get the whole world to sign it!" the girl whose hair could make children cry said. (Sorry I couldn't resist!)

So Naruto was off and on his way. (Cool an oxymoron!) He snatched a handful of paper and a pen. Then, he produced an abounding amount of shadow clones, and ran around the village asking people to sign his petition.

Eventually, he reached Shikamaru's house. Naruto knocked loudly on the wooden door. Shikamaru answered. "Hi, want to sign this?" the boy with murderous spikes asked.

"What is this? A list for the hairy hooligans club?" the boy as usual, lazily stated. Naruto started cracking up. He was laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe. He struggled to say "Did you just say hairy hooligans?"

"Duh." Shikamaru continued.

"Well no it isn't. Our closest park has barely any equipment. It has a thing for little kids that no one ever uses and no swing set. It's a petition for new stuff," Naruto, for a change, informatively stated.

"Ugh. Fine, I'll sign it." the boy mostly clad in olive green said, as if it was as annoying as waking up at 6 AM on a Saturday morning, and then grabbed the first sheet of paper and the pen and scribbled "**_Shikamaru_**" on a spot.

And then Naruto (Or his clone. You can't really tell.) rushed off to get more signatures.

**A/N: This is definitely by far the longest chapter (in this story) that I've ever written. Sorry for the many author's notes during the chapter. I couldn't help it! I thought the story was pretty funny. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it. Please R&R!**

**That's all for now.**


	5. When you get sugar drunk

**A/N: Wow, it's been awhile! I'm sorry, I've been either too busy, too lazy, or forgot what I was about to do before I even got a chance to lay a single finger on the keyboard… so anyways thanks for all the support, etc., etc., etc.**

**Again, I realize that the characters are OOC. You get the point. I'm not putting this here anymore.**

**Today's chapter is based off of: Two afternoons ago when I got sugar drunk.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, it belongs to its rightful owner, etc. Also I don't own any candies mentioned in this story. **

**So anyways, enjoy chapter…5 is it? Yeah, 5.**

_Chapter 5: When you get sugar drunk, there's gonna be a sugar hangover. (A.K.A. When Naruto Characters Go Wild)_

So here's what's happening: Sasuke is confronting sugar for the first time in his life!

Sasuke was standing in front of a sampling table at some random bakery. He never had sugar before, as his parents were strict and never let him have it, and once his entire clan went bye-bye he never really thought about actually having some. But then, Naruto suddenly brought up the subject of sugar and its wonders, and thought Sasuke simply had must have some of this marvelous thing we humans and ninjas alike call sugar.

_-Begin Flashback-_

_It was the day after Easter, probably the most miserable Monday ever known to man-kind. After all that excitement, playing with presents, and best of all, eating candy you just don't want to go back to your everyday life._

_So anyways, it was time for Team 7 and all the other ninjas to get back to doing their pretty much pointless missions that most people were perfectly capable of doing themselves. (At least the missions the 9 rookies were assigned!) Of course, the hokage and all the other adults of Konoha knew this, so they decided to be easy on the children and give them the simplest of all missions, meaning there was plenty of time to chat about what they did over that glorious holiday that us who celebrate it call Easter._

_Team 7 was just shopping for some 20-year-old that was just too plain lazy to go do it themselves, either that or they were just too tired to. After all, it was the Monday after Easter._

_It was unusually silent the entire trip, not even the slightest word uttered from any of the genin or their sensei. But then eventually, at the most random moment possible, Naruto decided to share what he did over Easter. And what he decided to share first was his candy._

_"Man, sugar is so awesome!" he just randomly blurted out. _

_"I've never had sugar," Sasuke strangely contributed to the conversation._

_"Okay, you're just weird. Who hasn't had sugar!" Naruto question._

_"I'm just not interested. I see no point in it," he replied._

_"Or are you too scared to have it? Scaredy cat!" Naruto taunted._

_"No, in fact, I'll have some as soon as we're done!" Sasuke said._

_And then they were done, and Naruto shoved Sasuke to the Konoha Bakery and then left._

_-End Flashback- _(Man that was long!)

The truth is, he was _sort of_ afraid of having it, or more so confused. Yes, even the great almighty Sasuke had his fears. He stared before the table, looking at the various sweets piled high unto the table. He slowly reached for a marshmallow shaped like a baby chick, covered in yellow sugar, and began to eat it. _"This is actually pretty good,"_ he thought, as he grabbed for more of the delightful treats.

Eventually, Sasuke rushed out the door, like Lee in the beginning part of the Chûnin exams. Seriously, he was getting way out of hand. He ended up at the bridge because Kakashi gave them a break and told them to meet back here in an hour. (He was oddly an hour late) But that doesn't matter, now does it? Let's get back to the story.

"Wow, you're different!" Naruto exclaimed. Sasuke just burst into laughter.

"Are you _drunk_?" Kakashi asked, obviously unaware of the challenge Naruto placed on Sasuke. Obviously this was the first time the Uchiha ever had sugar, and he apparently got on sugar rushes/highs/whatever you want to call it.

"I'm SUGAR DRUNK!" Sasuke shouted out, and then laughing even longer and harder. He was hysterical. He was like this for five or ten minutes straight.

_-Several hours later-_

Sasuke was absolutely miserable. He had a terrible stomachache, he felt extremely hot, (not in that way, sickos) and he was on the verge of puking. He never saw Naruto like this, so he figured the more and more constantly you have sugar the less likely to go on a sugar rush. All of a sudden, he ran to the bathroom, which took a while as he was in a very large house known as the ever-vacant Uchiha Estate, and then puked pretty much everything he's ever eaten that hasn't already been crapped out.

And then his day continued like that.

**A/N: This is literally the longest chapter I've ever written for this story. Roughly 3 pages long. I thought it was pretty funny. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I promised one person that this chapter would have Hinata's team, but I never got around with it. I absolutely, seriously, swear-to-god promise that the next chapter will be all about Hinata's team and all the other _Naruto_ girls. Meanwhile, I hope you're happy with this!**

**That's all for now!**


	6. For the first time ever

**A/N: Okay, people, work with me here. I'm trying. Okay, I'm TRYING. It's hard to do what I want to and still make it Hinata-centered. Seriously. But if I broke my promise for the second time in a row that would just really suck. Stupid promises… **

**Oh yes, and the characters are still very OOC. Especially Hinata. **

**This chapter is based off of: Fans being too lazy to vote for their own idol! (Pun not intended)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own/have any contact with any characters, contestants, owners, etc. of Naruto or American Idol. They, both the shows and people, belong to their rightful owners, etc., etc., etc. **

**So anyways, enjoy chapter 6!**

_Chapter 6: A chapter in which I couldn't think of a title. (For the first time ever)_

So here's what happened: A battery-run TV and computer randomly dropped from the sky in Konoha and the only channel was Fox and it happened to be 8 PM (Central time) on a Thursday. And Sasuke's fangirls turn on him! –Gasp–

Dozens of people gathered around the marvel that just randomly appeared in Konoha. It was a fairly large-sized gadget that no one has ever seen before, let alone heard of. What they saw was a bunch of people inside a box with sound coming out. "Is this one of those 'presents' from the sound ninja?" Naruto asked, like it was something as confusing as figuring out a really hard riddle. (A kid gave our entire math class one on Friday and the answer was something you'd never guess. 1)

Eventually, the _American Idol_ opening images appeared, along with a short, catchy tune. The people of Konoha stared and listened. They kept on watching it and so on, and so on, and so forth. So eventually they got the results, and then checked it out on the computer, and were shocked when they found that Chris had the best odds, and yet got voted off.

"H-hey, it s-s-seems that C-Chris got the b-b-b-best odds of w-winning." Hinata stuttered. The girls of Konoha gasped, even though they were shocked that he got voted off because they fell in love with him the first millisecond they saw him. Even Sasuke's fangirls. Yeah, that's right, Sasuke's fangirls. (It was bound to happen.) And Hinata. Who knew that she would turn on her crush on Naruto that was so big, that if it was visible it would be twice the size of Jupiter? So every female in Konoha was in a rage, and they **would** avenge their beloved Chris. They planned on that by becoming the next American Idol, but when they tried singing the simplest of all tunes, they figured out they sucked, so they would do it by yelling at everyone else. And it started out with Hinata. Who happened to remember to take her confidence pill, which was something that has never happened before, except the first two days where she actually was concentrated, but after that she just lost focus. (Man that was totally random!)

"OKAY. WHICH ONE OF YOU GOT CHRIS VOTED OFF!" Hinata exclaimed/asked, as if it was the end of the world. The males of the team, and all of them in Konoha, in fact, couldn't care less. And on top of that, _American Idol_ and the way it works were all new to them, so they all didn't know how it worked. "None of us." Kiba and Shino said in unison.

"LIARS! YOU'RE ALL LIARS, I SAY!" Hinata shouted out, which was really giving the two boys a migraine.

And then it continued like that.

**A/N: I know that that was bad, so I don't need any reviews/PMs telling me so. I tried, you guys… Anyways I hope you enjoyed it at least the slightest bit. Anyways, please R&R!**

**1: If you solve one or more of these riddles, you get recognition. Just review or PM me your answer by Saturday, May 20, 2006. **

**Okay, here it is:**

**#1: There are two doors, and two people. One person always tells the truth, and the other always lies. There's a kid. One of the doors will lead him to peace and freedom, and the other will send him to jail. He's allowed to ask the two people one question. What's the question that the kid asked?**

**#2: There's a law saying a doctor cannot operate on his own child. So there's this doctor, and a kid is rushed into the hospital. The people ask the doctor to operate. The doctor says, "I can't operate on him. He's my son, but I'm not his father." How can this be true?**

**#3: There's a rooster that is sitting on the center of a roof shaped like this: . When the rooster lays the egg, which side will it fall off of, the left or the right?**


	7. You know when to NOT runoff with someone

**A/N: Finally, I can write my chapter! I've had this idea for a little less than a week, and I've been urging to write it, but I had to wait because of the contest. As of now, it's officially over so there's no use trying it… you can for fun but you won't get any benefit whatsoever, so really there's no point unless you like solving riddles. Anyways, here are the winners and answers:**

**Riddle #1: The answer was that the kid would ask, "What would the other person do/say?" Obviously, the person that was telling the truth would say that the other person would lie, and the liar would say something to trick the kid into going through his door, the one sending him to jail. Nobody got this one correct... I couldn't get it when I was asked this, either!**

**Riddle #2: The answer is that the doctor is his mom. Women can be doctors, too, people! The people that got this one correct are: wind of might, Jack of Chocolate, 2Twins4Ever, itachi'smaniac, Anything for You, jupiter19, and Natsyourlord.**

**Riddle #3: The answer is roosters don't lay eggs. Have you ever seen a rooster in a cartoon or cartoon episode involving birds that lay eggs? I haven't. Anyways, the people that got this one correct are: wind of might, Jack of Chocolate, KawaiixHyuugaxHinata, itachi'smaniac, Anything For You, Natsyourlord, and Yureidoru.**

**And the characters are still OOC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any characters. I wish I did, but I don't.**

**And, I have a contributor! Yureidoru made up the Orochimaru evil name joke, so all credit goes to her or him… Anyways, I hope you enjoy chapter 7 and had fun reading this ridiculously long author's note. It's about the size of the first chapter!**

_Chapter 7: When you know not to run off with someone…_

So here's what's happening: I'm just making fun of Orochimaru 'cause when I saw Ultimate Formation: InoShikaChou, I just thought of a bunch of jokes. This takes place both during the second part of the Chûnin exams, and just out of the timeline. Just wanted you to know.

"I am a predator, and you are my prey," Orochimaru stated, not knowing that what he said came out very, very, wrong.

"Yeah, you sure are a predator!" Naruto joked, because sadly, that's what he does best.

"Well…. oh just shut up!" The sick old man stated.

"Oooh, BURN!" The blonde stated, like a suburban kid trying to be a 'gangsta' rapper.

_-Somewhere else, when Orochimaru was still in the akatsuki-_

Orochimaru was getting very mad. Nobody could say his name right. He was upset, thinking that pigs would fly before anyone could say it perfectly. "No! My evilness is not best described when my name is said in that fashion!"

There was a chorus of "awws…" heard.

"Not young, not cute, EVIL! EVIL! EVIL I SAY, EVIL!" Orochimaru said…

And I'm all, "Orochimaru want's his name to sound like an old man?"

Itachi, Kisame, Kabuto, and everyone else for that matter, said in an admiringly style, "Isn't he just SOO cute when he throws temper tantrums?" They were all "Aww! –MEGAGLOMP!- -squeal-"

And then Orochimaru gave an extremely girly "EEP!"

And I couldn't think of anymore ways to torture Orochimaru.

**A/N: Well I hope you enjoyed my painfully short chapter! Sorry, I'll try better next time! You'll just have to deal with what you get. Anyways, if I offended anyone, sorry! (Just a precaution.) So…**

**That's all for now!**


	8. Not again!

**A/N: I have no comment right now. Except for that I'm awesome. Just kidding, but no really. **

**Today's chapter is based off of: Funny things that happen(ed) in my (at least seemingly) funny life.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, & friends. **

**So anyways, enjoy chapter 8! **

_Chapter 8: Another chapter without a title? Not again!_

So here's what's happening: Naruto is stupid (And something we **_don't_** know?), Sakura and Ino just don't know when to stop talking, and Orochimaru's a he she?

It was extremely silent. In fact, if the silence was converted into money and given to me, I'd be a billionaire. Yeah, that's how silent it was. Anyways, Sakura was getting annoyed with the outrageous silence and thought that she had to say something. Because Sakura's annoying, and she was one of the annoying people that **loved** to talk. "So Lee, what do you collect?" she asked, that being the first thing she thought of. Maybe if he talked to her he'd leave her alone. Or at least shut up.

_"Sakura's talking to me! –girly squeal—" _he thought, because if he said it out loud, Sakura would probably just punch him right on top of the head. Or in the face. But does that really matter? No it doesn't. Now let's get on with the story.

"Ooh! I collect manga, wristbands, and tie-die sleep shirts!" he said. He obviously had weird tastes even weirder than his eyebrows that are so big, that if I described it in a hyperbole, they would be able to provide blankets for both China _and_ Australia.

"Manga? Isn't that a fruit that grows in Africa?" Naruto questioned, puzzled as if it was a question like (5085) +10/2-(36) , or in his case 2+2.

"No, that's a _mango_, idiot. Manga is this," Sasuke said, holding up a book with its spine on the right, and a number in the left corner.

"Ohh… well who would know?" Naruto retorted.

"The population of the Earth that didn't ride the short bus to school." the cockatoo-head replied.

"And by the way, mangos don't grow in Africa!" Tenten said.

"Well, then where do they grow?" everyone but Sasuke asked in unison.

"Umm…. well I don't know!" she just blurted out.

_-Waaayyy back at the Konoha Ninja Academy-_

A group of students in the class were making a play, and Sakura and Ino were playing bees. (Because bees are annoying and so are they. Doesn't that role fit them perfectly?)

So anyways, they were rehearsing. Everyone said their lines, and then it was the two girls' turn. "Buzz---" "Okay could you people turn it down a little bit?" Iruka said. "---buzz! Buzz!" Sakura only said one, but Ino said both, while the rest of the class was in complete and utter silence. Now that's what I call embarrassing.

_-At some random place, at some random time-_

It was a big event where everyone in the entire continent got together. Suddenly, Sakura spoke up, in Team 7 and Co.'s little group. "Oh my god Orochimaru keeps telling me he thinks he's a girl!"

"So what? Oh my god you're making way too big a deal. He could say oh my god I think I'm a boy, Oh my god I think I'm a girl, Oh my god I think I'm a he she, does it really matter?" Ino said. The entire area burst out in laughter.

**A/N: Well I hope you enjoyed it! I thought it was pretty funny. I also liked the length… anyways happy Memorial Day! (If you're in the U.S.A.) **

**Well, that's all for now!**


	9. The halfbaked Interlude!

**A/N: I've finally written another chapter, so ha. Makes you happy, doesn't it? Well that's nice.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, etc.**

**All characters are OOC.**

**Well, enjoy chapter 9!**

_Chapter 9: People stepping on cardboard badges… (Aka the half-baked interlude skit)_

So here's what's happening: **(You're getting annoyed with every chapter starting like this, aren't you?)** Naruto's being more idiotic than ever. And you thought that was impossible.

"FBI!" Naruto called out as he knocked so hard on Sasuke's house's door that it was a wonder it didn't leave a hole.

"What do you want now, idiot?" Sasuke asked.

"This is the FBI," the blonde replied as he held up a piece of card board painted black with a piece of paper with some scribbles on it.

"That's a piece of cardboard," the Uchiha said.

"No, it's a badge!" Naruto retorted.

"It's a piece of cardboard, and you know it," Sasuke informed.

"Well fine then, I quit!" the midget said as he stomped on the piece of painted cardboard. _"Stupid badge…"_ he muttered.

**A/N: Well I hope you liked this ridiculously short chapter. But this is what I have. Hopefully next time will be better. It's probably because I'm working on another story right now; it's called A Period of Time in the Life of Baby Sasuke. It's really cute; you should read it. Anyways, please R&R!**

**That's all for now!**


	10. Kakashi wellread? I don't think so!

**A/N: And yet here it is. Another short chapter, skit, whatever you'd like to call it. But hey, it's better than nothing.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, etc.**

**Anyways, enjoy chapter 10!**

_Chapter 10: Kakashi well-read? I don't think so!_

So here's what's happening: Naruto's idiocy starts a conversation between him and Kakashi.

Naruto discovered a new word. Hey, there's a first time for everything. But there's a problem; he doesn't know what it means.

"Hey, what does penultimate mean?" he asked.

"It means next to last," his sensei, Kakashi, replied.

"How do you know?" Naruto questioned.

"I'm just very well read," the elder said.

"Well read? You call reading _that **smut**_ well read!" the blonde shouted, as he pointed to Kakashi's 'books'.

"Umm… yeah, I guess," Kakashi stated.

Naruto sighed as he walked away to his teammates, going on with his life and wondering how Kakashi could actually sleep at night after reading that stuff.

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it! But this is by far the shortest chapter, not prologue, but chapter, I've ever written. Anyways, you have to deal with what you get. I've seen shorter. This is the best I could do with that idea so anyways, please R&R!**

**That's all for now. orhhohjhddsigjfk**


	11. Scary Scary Sakura!

**A/N: Sorry the last chapter took so long to get up. I kept getting an error message when I tried to upload it. Then I forgot, and just at this very moment I remembered. **

**And by the way, Sakura's OOC to an extraordinary amount in which no one's ever achieved before.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, why would I be writing _fanfiction_? **

**Anyways, enjoy chapter 11!**

_Chapter 11: Scary Scary Sakura! (A.K.A. When Parties Go Wild)_

So here's what's happening: Everyone's at a big party of Ino's. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone in the entire Naruto-verse.

So, the nine rookies decided to play a game. It was to pretend that Sakura was scary. Really scary. Everyone thought that this was an amazing 'game', or prank, whichever you'd like to call it. But what Sakura didn't know was that she was about to be heartbroken, because Sakura was high on sugar and at this moment _wanted_ to be scary. Though in reality, a 'sober' Sakura would hate it.

Anyways, Ino told everyone but Sakura about this little prank. "Okay, guys, all the girls are going to pretend to get revenge on you for pouring ice on us. The girls are going to tell Sakura about this. Shikamaru, you're the main target. We're going to concentrate on getting you back and ignore the other guys. I'm going to tell Sakura to be scary like someone in a horror movie. Shikamaru, when she does this, you're going to pretend to be scared of her. After awhile, we're all going to pretend to be scared of her. Shortly afterwards, we're going to stop and when she wonders why we aren't we're going to tell her that it was a game. Got that?" she said. And then the group all went away to carry out their 'game'.

Ino rushed over to Sakura and asked, "Hey Sakura, we're going to get revenge on Shikamaru for pouring ice on us. Want to help?" "Sure!" Sakura replied. The two girls went off to plan 'revenge'.

Soon the two friends/rivals, and the rest of the girls in the Rookie Nine spotted Shikamaru. They ran towards him and grabbed him. Tenten poured a cup of ice all over him. Then, Shikamaru grabbed Lee, who was on the girls' side. "Now!" Ino whispered in Sakura's ear.

"Let go of him," Sakura said, staring at Shikamaru. "Who are you?" he shouted. Then the boy looked up and screamed. At this point, Shikamaru was scared. He ran, and Sakura was cornering him.

After a while, they all pretended to be scared, running away from her, and then they stopped. Sakura was confused, but then they told her that it was just a game that they were playing. Then Sakura was disappointed, trying to scare people but it didn't work. That made her very mad that she had an explosion of anger and died. The end. (Of the chapter, not the story.)

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it! Finally, a semi-decent length chapter. Anyways, please R&R!**

**That's all for now.**


	12. Team Feud!

**A/N: Hiiii, I'm back! And why am I back you ask? Because a couple of people gave suggestions! But don't stop there; I need your ideas! **

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN NARUTO, get the net. Also, I don't own Family Feud.**

**This chapter was requested by Lady Awesome. She gets credit for all ideas used here, no idea was come up by myself, she came up with every suggestion, I just wrote it into a chapter, etc., etc., etc.**

**Anyways, enjoy chapter 13!**

_Chapter 13: Team Feud!_

So here's what's happening: The Rookies enter a contest that's like Family Feud, only with ninja teams, not families.** (I just realized that there aren't nine rookies, there's twelve. Can someone explain?)**

"Attention, youthful students! I've entered you all in an extremely youthful competition called Team Feud! Bring you and you're youthfulness here by 9 AM or you'll have to go back to the Academy!" Gai said, which annoyed the nine children and their senseis.

Several groans were heard, as well with some "Aww man!"s.

"Fine," the nine children said unenthusiastically.

_-The next day at 9 AM-_

Kakashi, Kurenai, Asuma, Gai, and the Nine Rookies all gathered at some random place. Then, they started the extremely pointless game. Iruka was the host-question-person-thingy.

"Okay, what's the color of the sky?" he asked.

Naruto instantly hit the buzzer. "Cheese!"

Iruka sighed. "No, Naruto, the color of the sky is _blue_." At this moment, he was thinking, _"What an idiot!"_

_-Much Later-_

The scores were as followed: Kakashi's team: 2, Kurenai's team: 150, Asuma's team: 130, and Gai's team: 250. "Guys, were dead last. Naruto, you see that cool red bright thing that you keep hitting? Keep hitting it, but don't say anything. That's what Sasuke and I'll do," Sakura informed. And so the game continued like that.

The final results were the same as stated before, except for Asuma's team was now ahead of Kurenai's team. Kakashi's team result was 50, Kurenai's team result was 200, Asuma's team result was 210, and Gai's was 300.

And the reward for Naruto for getting these statistics was a punch on top of the head and a "Naruto, you idiot!" from Sakura. Obviously, Naruto wasn't too happy with his 'reward'.

"Well Kakashi, I believe the score is now 51 to 49," Gai triumphantly shouted.

Kakashi slapped him so hard Gai fell unconscious.

"This chapter is over!" he said.

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it, and please R&R!**

**That's all for now!**


	13. Return of the Sugar Rush!

**A/N: Hi everyone! I've finally stopped being lazy enough to write another chapter! And sorry about the wait, I was having problems uploading the past few days.Amazing, huh? Sorry 'bout that. Oh, and I almost forgot, this chapter was requested by Lady Awesome. All credit goes to her for the plot of Sasuke puking all over Itachi. If it weren't for her, this chapter wouldn't exist!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, you get the point.**

**Anyways, enjoy chapter 14!**

_Chapter 14: The Return of the Sugar Rush! (And the dreaded sugar hangovers. Seriously, those aren't fun.)_

So here's what's happening: Sasuke goes on another sugar rush, and some unexpected things happen.

_"I need to think of a way to kill Itachi!" _Sasuke thought, _"Without running off with Orochimaru. I'd hate to think of what would have happened if the Konoha Police Force wouldn't have arrested him."_

Then the idea dawned on him, as he remembered his first sugar rush, and sugar hangover. As he reminisced he thought that wasn't too fun. But he had to do this, it was the only way.

He hesitantly headed over to the random bakery from chapter 5. At this moment the shop keeper was thinking, _"Oh god, no, please, no, not again!"_ But unfortunately for him, it was against the store policy to ban anyone from coming to the store until they cause trouble 10 times.

After consuming as much sugar products as he could, Sasuke headed out to go kill his brother.

Eventually, he spotted him. "Itachi! I WILL KIIIIIIIIIIIILL YOU!" he shouted, running quicker than usual over to his brother.

So they fought for ages, and then Sasuke's sugar hangover came. He again, felt hot and sick, with an extremely horrible stomachache. But this time, it was worse. He puked all over his brother. Itachi clearly was ticked off, and threw him out of the Akatsuki headquarters. Sasuke moaned, clutching his stomach in pain. He then got back home, into the Village Hidden in the Leaves, struggling. He then got a cold rag, went to his room, laid down on his bed, placing it on his head.

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it! IMPORTANT: I'm going to continue this chapter in a second story, though THIS STORY IS NOT OVER. I'm still going to write separate parodies, but this chapter will be the start of the plot for the next one. So still suggest ideas, and expect more to come of this story! Anyways, please R&R!**

**That's all for now!**


	14. Why tempurpedics are better than water

**A/N: Well, I was going through my stories because I wanted to update and this hasn't been updated in 4 days or so, so I decided I'm going to update this one.**

**NarutosMego gave me the idea for this, so the plot credit goes to her. Every single ounce of it. **

** Disclaimer: Is my name Masashi Kishimoto? No, I wish it was, but it's not… so I don't own it… And be thankful that I don't own it, because if I did own it I'd put myself in the show as the role of Sasuke's girlfriend. **

**Anyways, enjoy chapter 15! (Wow, that's a lot of chapters.)**

_Chapter 15: Why you should just throw a party on a TempurPedic mattress and not a waterbed._

So here's what's happening: Naruto, being the idiot that he is, gets a new ginormous waterbed and throws a party on it.

Yes, the waterbed's that big. In fact, it's so big that it couldn't fit in Naruto's house and had to be put in his backyard.

Anyways, Naruto sent out a bunch of invitations to everyone in Konoha. Yes, everyone, including the dreaded filler characters. Everyone came, even Sasuke. Against Naruto's will, since he sent the invitation thinking he'd just decline it. But he was in a bad mood and wanted to take it out on Naruto by annoying him. (He's been in a bad mood all week, 'cause he's brooding over his family more than normally.)

So all the citizens of Konoha gathered in what was Naruto's lawn; now being a giant waterbed, and partied.

This "partying" included Sasuke and Naruto exchanging insults, Sakura and Ino fighting over Sasuke while trying to turn him on at the same time, and everyone else just jumping on it.

Unfortunately for the waterbed, all the jumping made it pop, so the bed was like a pool.

The results, you ask?

"WOOHOO! WET T-SHIRT PARTY!" was the reaction of Jiraiya, Kakashi, and Tsunade. (She was obviously drunk.)

"POOL PARTY!" was the reaction of everyone, not including Sasuke.

"It's all Itachi's fault!" He said, sitting down on the edge and brooding. That poor boy, all he wanted was his family. Was that too much to ask for?

**A/N: Yeah, it was short. Sorry about that! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it, and please R&R!**

**That's all for now!**


	15. I thought it was BALDfaced!

**A/N: Hi everyone! I am soooooo sorry I haven't updated in nearly three months. I've had a severe case of writers block (it took me two days to write the last chapter!), but that's ended now that school's started and I can engage in my (at least seemingly) humorous experiences. As of this chapter, the story will go back to it's original format-thingy where the chapters are actually based off of something. (Thinks to self: now the story can be good again!) And not only that, but as of this chapter, the filler chapters have come to an end! (This is good since people barely sent in ideas halfway through the fillers.) I apologize to whomever asked for me to do a chapter with waffle problems, but I couldn't fit that in. (Actually, I just thought of something funny right now. I'll keep it in mind.) I'm also going to at least attempt to make this like a special chapter. I mean, the actual show made a special episode to celebrate the end of fillers, so why can't I make a chapter to celebrate the end of my story fillers? Well, you're probably bored of reading this ridiculously long commentary, so I'll just get to the disclaimer and stuff.**

**This chapter was inspired by: practically half the class stealing one of my many lines.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Anyways, enjoy chapter 18!**

_Chapter 18: Special chapter: I thought it was BALD-faced!_

So here's what's happening: At some random party somewhere, team 7 is being… team 7-y.

"Hey everyone! Who wants to see a picture of Sasuke's room?" Naruto shouted, from the center.

Basically all of the female population (a long with a few boys) of Konoha gathered around in a circle to see what it looked like.

Naruto almost immediately held up a picture of what was really Sakura's room. (But he didn't say it was Sakura's.) They pushed and shoved to see a room where nearly everything was several shades of pink.

Minus Ino and Sakura, nearly everyone was laughing and pointing at Sasuke… that poor boy.

"WHAT?! That's not my room!" the Uchiha shouted, his cheeks turning red.

"Riiiiight…. we all know you're in denial, Sasuke," Naruto retorted.

"I'm not in denial! That is a boldfaced lie!" The shade of red that was currently on Sasuke's face deepened.

Again, Sakura and Ino were the only two people in the vicinity that actually believed him. Sasuke would probably be tormented for… ever.

Then, Sasuke made a comeback by saying Naruto dresses up like a fairy princess when nobody's looking. About half of the people actually bought this, and they changed the directions of their index fingers so they were pointing at Naruto.

Naruto confronted by saying, "That is a bald-faced lie!"

"It's BOLD-faced, not BALD-faced, idiot," the raven-haired boy said.

"No one asked you!"

"Note how I said this about 1 tenth of a second after you said that. Obviously, no one would be able to ask me that quickly," Sasuke replied, a smirk on his face.

"Well… your face."

"No… YOUR face."

"That was exactly what I said!"

"Really?" Sasuke turned to face the crowd surrounding them. "Now everyone, did I say what Naruto said?"

There was a chorus of "No"'s and a couple of "No, he copied you!"'s.

He then turned back to face Naruto.

"I told you so."

He glared at Sasuke, and gave an annoying "grr…" and a scowl.

**A/N: Well, it's longer than the last one! I hope you enjoyed it, and please R&R! I really want reviews! **

**I'd also like to thank everyone reading this. This story has gotten, to the moment I'm writing this, 10,600 hits and 66 reviews! I never imagined this story would be this successful! And if it weren't for you, you probably wouldn't have gotten those few chapters in between June and now.**

**So anyways, thanks everyone!**

**That's all for now!**


	16. Chicken Pond

**A/N: Wow, I haven't updated in like, over a year! I'm really sorry, I had bad writers' block, and on top of that starting a new story. It was a hard decision whether to put this in this story or **_**What the Flying Turtle?**_**, but I decided that since it wasn't me writing with only one word or phrase as an inspiration (the concept of the chapters in that story), and since it was based off of a real event (the concept of the chapters in this story), and since this one needed to desperately be updated, I decided to just go ahead and put it in this one.**

**Oh, and please, oh please, review. It helps keep me from procrastinating. :)**

**Either way, enjoy the 16th chapter of **_**Naruto Characters Say the Darndest Things**_

**(I screwed up on the numbering, and I'm definitely not going to delete and re-upload every single chapter just to change 1 little thing, so from now on I'm just going from sixteen; consider this chapter's numbering the correct one.)**

_Chapter 16: Chicken Pond_

Okay, so here's what's happening: Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura are working on a mission; it's a rather simple one—they have to design a park.

"Okay, and we could, I don't know, add a fishing pond here," Sasuke suggested after being continuously badgered by his teammates to actually CONTRIBUTE to a mission he deemed worthless and a waste of time.

"Did you just say a _chicken_ pond? What the hell is a chicken pond?" Naruto said, him and brain, or lack thereof, mishearing him.

"I said a _fishing_ pond, dobe."

"I want to make a chicken pond!" Sakura said. She (probably unintentionally) sounded like a 5-year old.

"No." That was the only word that came out of Sasuke's mouth.

"Come on!"

"Sakura, I hate to admit it, but that has to be the most stupidest idea I've ever heard," added Naruto.

This continued on for about 10 minutes before Sakura attempted to draw one on. Sasuke, in reaction, snatched her pen away from her.

"OH. MY. GOD. Give me back my pen RIGHT NOW," she said, following him around.

Unfortunately, eventually, she got it back. Naruto attempted to compensate for the lack of a chicken pond by drawing a farm.

"I don't _want_ a farm. I WANT A CHICKEN POND!"

However, her decision later changed. "I want a farm!"

"Why the HELL would you want a FARM?!"

"I WANT A CHICKEN POND! See, I'm sure _other_ people agree with me!"

She walked up to Tenten.

"Hey, don't you think a chicken pond would be cool?"

"No, that's the most stupid idea I've ever heard."

"Wow, that's what Naruto and Sasuke said!"

Later, they decided to add a petting zoo, along with a little field of corn to feed the animals.

"And now the chickens will get fat because they'll eat too much corn, and they won't have a pond to exercise in!"

"SAKURA. CHICKENS DO NOT SWIM!" Sasuke shouted.

"And that's why they will put them in floats!"

"Wouldn't like, their claws pop the floats? And if they're in floats, how will they get any exercise?" Naruto interrogated.

"No, cause we'll put the floats around their knees!" Sakura ignored the latter question.

"HOW THE HELL WOULD BEING PUT IN A FLOAT AND BOUND BY THE KNEES IN A _POND_ BE FUN AND GIVE THEM EXERCISE?!" Sasuke was practically screaming at the top of his lungs, tired of the pink-haired girl's stupidity.

"No, you see, they'll like it! And for exercise, they'll kick their feet and flap their wings!"

Sakura imitated a chicken doing the odd motion she described for a good 20 minutes.

**A/N: Well, there it is, I hoped you enjoyed it! Please review, seeing is it's been a long time since I've worked on this story! Please, oh please review! I would be eternally grateful.**

**That's all for now!**


	17. Team 7 Meets Hobo Joe

**A/N: Wow! I haven't updated in forever! I'm really sorry, I've been very busy. And I've had bad writers' block. But anyways, I came up with a couple of ideas, and I hope you enjoy them!**

**Oh yeah, and you know how much I like reviews, don't you? Well, I'm going to do something special: next chapter will be dedicated to all my reviewers from this chapter, plus the ones that have been continuous readers who like, reviewed every chapter, plus people who gave me an idea that I used. And, I'll randomly pick a reviewer from this chapter (depending how many reviews I get, I'd prefer it to be a new reader, but if not I'll just pick from everyone), that gets to pick what the next chapter will be about! And, they'll get to be in it if they want!**

**If you also are one of the people who reviewed a good portion of chapters, because you are all so awesome, if you would like to be in the next chapter, just let me know and I will try my best to work you in. No guarantees though, it depends on the idea that the person gives me.**

**  
Oh yeah, and I'm also really stuck on **_**A Period of Time in the Life of Baby Sasuke**_**, but I WILL NOT discontinue it, seeing is as it's one of my personal favorite stories and it just makes me smile to much (yes, I am really confident in myself.), so any suggestions for that will be greatly appreciated. And anyone who suggests will be like, the greatest person in the world.**

**So anyways, enjoy chapter 17 of **_**Naruto Characters Say the Darndest Things**_**! (Wow, almost up to 20!)**

_Chapter 17: Coconut Oil and Team 7 Meets Hobo Joe_

Okay, so here's what's happening: Team 7 is on a mission and it is really friggin' cold out. Like, -20 degrees. **(A/N: It was actually colder than that one night by me.)** So anyways, Team 7 is thinking of ways to stay warm.

"Hmm…"

"We could start a fire?" Sakura suggested.

"You do know we're in a log cabin right?" That was Sasuke's reply.

"So?"

"There's a good chance that it'd catch on fire."

"Ugh…"

"Ooh! We could dump boiling coconut oil over ourselves!" I don't think that I have to tell you that that was said by none other than the poster-child of dumb blondes, Naruto.

Kakashi spoke up, "I don't even want to know where you got that idea, Naruto."

"Wouldn't that burn us?" Pinky inquired.

"Pinky, that's a good nickname. How the hell did your hair get that color, Sakura? That can't be natural."

Sakura just gave Naruto a death glare.

"My theory is that she had red hair and then tried to bleach it, and it went horribly wrong." Kakashi said that with a smile.

As you can probably infer, Sakura was well beyond pissed right now.

"I'd punch you, but my hands are too cold."

"Dip them in boiling coconut oil!"

That was just too much for Sakura. She was so mad that she completely forgot about the current temperature of her hands and slugged Naruto into a state of unconsciousness.

About an hour later, Naruto came to. Everyone was shivering. Naruto opened his mouth, but was immediately stopped by Sasuke.

"Don't even think about it."

Naruto licked Sasuke's hand.

"EEW!!!" He wiped it on Naruto, who just stuck out his tongue.

"Uh… we should probably all get some sleep," the gray-haired jounin sensei said.

So they all went to bed. When they woke up, however, it was much warmer than the night before and was well beyond the pleasant temperature range.

"Good God, it's hot out!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Well, you could—" Naruto was cut off by Kakashi.

"Naruto, does this involve boiling coconut oil?"

"It involves taking your hands _out_ of boiling coconut oil!"

"Yeah, no. Don't say it."

"Ugh. Fine."

"You know what? How could it be so cold last night but be so hot this morning?"

"Because we're in the _desert_, dobe."

Naruto glared at Sasuke.

"No one asked for your smartass comments, ice princess."

It took a lot of self control for Sasuke not to punch Naruto. (Hey, it's called being the better person. :) )

So anyways, they went out to do what they had to do for the day, and then got back. Obviously, it was nighttime and therefore very, very cold.

"UGH! It's so frickin' cold!" the blonde exclaimed.

All of a sudden, a person appeared out of nowhere.

"Hobo Joe says when you're cold, to dump boiling coconut oil all over you!"

Naruto looked ecstatic. "See, I told you so!"

A crowd appeared behind Hobo Joe. "Well howdy ho, Hobo Joe!" they all shouted cheerfully.

"Okay, all but the hobo, **LEAVE**." Sasuke said. The extreme temperatures must have gotten to him, because he was definitely way more less "pleasant", if that's what you would like to say.

"Who are you?"

"Well I'm Hobo Joe! I travel around the world giving advice to those who need it!"

"Well, why the HELL did you just advise us to dump BOILING COCONUT OIL over us?!"

"Because it's the easiest, quickest way to warm yourself up!"

Naruto stuck his tongue out.

"Get. Out. Now." Sasuke said to Hobo Joe.

"Well fine then!"

**A/N: Well, that's it! It definitely was one of my longer chapters. I hope you enjoyed it! Pretty please R&R! (Suggestions for this story and A Period of Time in the Life of Baby Sasuke would again, be greatly appreciated and make you the best person in the world.)**

**That's all for now!**


	18. How to Grow a Llama

**A/N: I've returned! And not **_**too**_** ridiculously late! Oh yeah, and I have a new oneshot, please check it out! Anyways, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

_Chapter 18: How to Grow a Llama_

So here's what's happening: Kakashi is teaching his students something completely useless and unrelated to being a shinobi, that doesn't even take place in the Naruto world.

"Okay, so the Inca had to grow maize, wheat, and llamas and stuff and then give a lot of it to the government," Kakashi stated with an incredibly bored tone. 

Team 7 looked at each other with confused looks, before Naruto raised his hand.

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Wait… how do you grow a llama?"

"Well, first you birth a llama, then you feed it and give it plenty of water, and then gradually, it will grow."

Everyone just looked at Kakashi.

"I never said they grew llamas in the _ground_."

After a moment of awkward silence, Kakashi spoke up. "So, any more questions that _aren't_ pointless?"

Our favorite blonde (because no one likes Ino) spoke up yet again.

"Would you consider a first born child beginner's luck?"

Kakashi just stood there with a shocked look on his face before bursting out into laughter.

Eventually Sakura joined in, but Captain Emo-head (AKA Sasuke) remained silent until grumpily muttering "Dobe…"

"Hmm, I wonder why Sasuke is so… _unpleasant_ today," Pinky (Sakura) wondered out loud as if it was something new.

"Well, I have a theory that he is always grumpy because it hurts him to sit down because he has a stick plunged deep up his butt," Naruto stated, "Which is also why he is always training, and when he isn't, he is sitting down and being… grumpy."

This was surprisingly intelligent for Naruto to the point where even Sakura had to acknowledge that it was pretty good.

And poor Kakashi, after just getting over one fit of laughter had to suppress another one before he spoke.

"Now, I don't want to here about what's up each other's butts," he said, "especially if they are sticks." He chuckled at his little joke.

Sasuke just gave the jounin a death glare. 

* * *

**A/N: I love Sasuke, I reallydo... he's just such an easy target.**

**Wow, I think that that was one of my longer chapters… I don't know. Anyways, enjoy, and PLEASE R&R!**

**That's all for now!**


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